If You Would See Me Now…

Back when we were friends, I was the funny little sister, the sweet comic relief. And I was okay with that. I love to make people laugh.  You knew that there was more to me than witty jokes, and that was good enough for me.

Back then I was a dancer. Not the best, but I did possess a certain natural talent and a great passion for performing. I wasn’t very physically fit. I was afraid of getting bruises in dance because bruises hurt.

Back then I didn’t really know where I was going in life. I had the vague idea that I would be  a nurse someday, and that serving God was always the primary focus, but that time of responsibility seemed so far off.

If you would see me now…

Now, I am still a funny girl at heart, but I have learned to hide it behind a grown up facade. I have been teased numerous times for my youthful and naive spirit, so I have learned to keep to myself in large groups, to the point where people think I am quiet and shy. If only they knew…

Now, I am getting physically stronger as I work out and learn Krav Maga.  Bruises are now badges of honor (same goes for skinned knuckles and elbows). Back then, did you ever think that I would be the type to study a martial art? The thought would have sent us into fits of giggles! I was young, bubbly, and childlike – the last person you’d expect to throw a punch or kick someone in the groin. But look at me now.

I am living on my own in a very unfamiliar city so that I am closer to work. I am responsible for making sure my bills are paid, food is bought and cooked, and the house is clean. I emailed you when I moved away, but I never heard your reply…

Now, I am responsible for fragile little babies. I feed them, diaper them, give them medications, make sure that they are clean and warm, and on many occasions, I keep them from dying. Literally. Back then, did you ever think I could be a NICU nurse?

It hurt when you started to leave me behind. At first I tried to tell myself that it was only temporary, and that after we all got college figured out, we’d be okay again. But slowly I realized that you were moving on without me. All of our promises to never lose touch and to be a part of each others’ lives began to fade away. You stopped responding to my emails. We never crossed paths anymore. I missed  you constantly. In the off chance that we did see each other in person, you would act like we were still friends and that nothing has changed… but it had. And I could tell that you were pretending. I’m not stupid, I can spot a faker a mile away. And it hurt that the lies were coming from you. We used to be practically sisters… what went wrong?

I will always love you and pray for you. I rejoice when I hear that you are well, and it pains me when you are hurting. I am always here for you, if only you would look.